Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
