she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
