OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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