You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
