I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
