proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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