He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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