I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
