I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
