Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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