Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
