I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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