My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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