i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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