Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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