i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
