I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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