headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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