Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
