So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
