There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
