I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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