dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
