Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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