i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Randomize
