Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
