i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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