I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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