Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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