my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
