Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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