You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
