so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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