the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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