im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
