after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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