I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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