I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
