Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Verdict: uncircumcised.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
