you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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