I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I touched a dick in church today
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
