New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
