Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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