I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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