can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
