Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
