Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
