the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
