just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
