i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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