Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
